Don’t Demand: The first rule of text game

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How many times have you got that hot girl’s number, thinking that it’s ON only to get no reply from a girl to your first text? Like nada, the girl didn’t text back after multiple attempts?

In my first series of blog posts I’m going to give you some top tips on follow-up text game to ensure that not only do you get the girl you want replying, but on a date, and into your bed. But that’s coming a little later, for this week I’m just going to focus on how you can get a reply from the girl. That’s right- just a reply.

Most men make the fundamental error of going for a day two too soon, and get blown out (or simply not text back) because they’ve made too much of a demand from someone they’ve only just met.

Take this text that a guy sent me last month (yes I do save them on my phone and then show them to everyone):

Expecting a girl to rock up in a bikini to a swimming pool is an extreme example of this, but so often guys will ask a woman out to dinner/ to go away with them somewhere/ or just devote a lot of their time to meeting them when really they barely know them.

Think about the circumstances in which you got the number: did she seem nervous? Apprehensive? Reluctant? Often a girl may give you her number because she feels social pressure to do so. Numbers received in this way are what I like to call ‘cold’ numbers.

The problem with a ‘cold’ number is that there may not have been enough time during the initial interaction to build sufficient rapport to get her out on a date with you…. let alone into a bikini.

People have busy lives full of competing demands from work, friends, family, and now you texting them. If you’ve just got a girl’s number on the street you have to be realistic that you may be low on her priority list, and competing against a doctor’s appointment, a work deadline, or a friend going through a break-up. Think carefully.

Was there that spark of sexual energy when you got her number? Did you k-close or f-close her on your initial meeting? Has she text you? Or did she ask for your number? If so I’d probably classify this as a ‘warm’ interaction which I’ll discuss in a later blog post- but right now I’m going to focus on numbers that have been got when the woman isn’t already nearly certain that she wants to see you again.

If you just about got her number in a rush, if she seemed to hesitate when she gave it to you, or if there has been no significant sexual escalation yet (such as a kiss) then you need to pay attention to this. You need to build more rapport- you need to engage with her and build up a text dialogue. Your first mission isn’t to get her into bed at this stage; it’s to get her to respond. If you go straight in and ask a girl for a date then it’s a high demand to make off of someone who was uncertain about you.

Say she receives this text from you straight away:

“Hey babe, what are you up to tonight??xx”

She is going to panic and not reply. There are several reasons why:

1. You’ve made a demand of her straight away. You’ve gone right for the date, though you barely know her.

2. Worst of all it’s a non-specific date. This is scarier to a woman than a date that is clear, like meeting for a coffee/ a drink. If she says she is free tonight then she will feel social pressure to agree to whatever ‘date’ you suggest. Problem is, at this stage she maybe so worried about what date you could suggest (‘Do I really want to go to dinner with that guy I met in the street yesterday?’) that she is more likely to not respond, or make an excuse for why she might be busy (‘Maybe. But my friend and I were planning…’)

As she doesn’t want to commit to something she can’t fulfill on, she won’t reply.

Here is another classic example of how a non-specific text can come across as scary to a girl:

I mean, this guy probably did just want to go for a walk, right? Maybe try and kiss me by the Thames. Or alternatively murder me, and throw me in the Thames. Unfortunately for him, I was so worried about the second option that I never replied again. If he had tried to build rapport first, then gone for a far less demanding and more specific date the outcome could have been very different.

Quick tip: You can use these text openers to send a girl for the first message to get things started, if you can’t think of anything to say.

You can do this by trying to show some interest in her generally as a person first. People don’t react well to being asked to be somewhere at a certain time if you barely know them. Instead try and start that dialogue i.e:

“Hey Lena, how’s your crazy student life been this week? You were definitely the second most interesting person I spoke to yesterday btw… Luke from the 13.05 Train”

“Hey Kate, I hope you out planked those novices you were queueing up with. I’m treating myself to a post-gym protein bar, imagining it’s a snickers. Marcus from Yoga”

“Hey Rebecca, had to ask if you made that lecture today? I’m proud I made it to work/gym after you cruelly made me party at Tiger Tiger til 3am. Mike who drank a lot of tequila”

This style of messages are all designed to make it easy for her to reply. You do this in a similar way to how you would make good conversation:

1. Make some statements about yourself: give her a little information about your day/ what you’ve done recently so that she gets to know you.

2. Make this information about yourself relatable: most people have drunk too much, had a hectic day at work or done an activity like going to the gym/ commuting. By making a reference to these things she will feel like you share a perspective on something, which will create rapport.

3. If possible, tie this relatable statement to the circumstances under which you met: from your initial interaction figure out what she maybe interested in. For instance if you met her in a nightclub talk about what you were drinking/ the music they were playing/ your hangover, if you met her out shopping try what you brought/ what it was for/ style and fashion.  This will hopefully work to remind her of the pleasant, friendly vibe of your initial interaction.

4. An even more effective way of doing this is to tie your text to the conversation you shared with her when you last met: If she mentioned something to you in conversation like what she was up to that day, or if you shared a joke or some rapport over a certain topic recall it in the text. This is effectively jump starting the conversation again from where you last left it as you raced off to catch your bus, or stumbled out of a club at 3am.

5. Also always keep the tone of the text friendly, light hearted and upbeat as texts can be easy to misconstrue negatively. Remember she can’t hear your tone of voice on a text and at this early stage in texting you don’t want to put her off by being at all negative. Remember you don’t want her to feel confused, bemused, or pressurized when she receives a text from you. Give her some value: make her smile.

6. Particularly if the number is ‘cold’ I’d also advise texting her soon. Leave it two days before you make contact and rather than seeming blasé she may have forgotten a lot of the positive feelings she would have received from the initial approach.

7. If you have left it a while before you text her, you may also want to nickname yourself so that she remembers who you are. Nicknames are best created out of the circumstances of the initial interaction i.e. ‘Blue Umbrella Michael’, ‘Waterstones Ed’, ‘Tiger Tiger Andy’.

Ok guys next time I am going to write about how to go for the day two now that you’ve got that text conversation flowing. In the future I’ll also hopefully be covering ping game, teasing and challenging via text. If there is any other area of text game you want to hear about then please leave a comment below for me to give you my best HB opinion on. Hopefully you’ll be hearing a lot more from me on text game, conversation skills and seduction in the future.

Text gamer, conversationalist, and girl kisser

Hayley Quinn X

P.S: If you want to become a master of text game… you should check out these guys.

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  1. Hey hey, you you, please read it
    So… I really could use some help here. I met this girl last month I think and she was nice and all and I didn’t see a good reason for not going after her. So, she was organizing a surprise party for a friend of mine and she wanted to invite me and asked me to ask other people as well.
    Much happened since then, I didn’t invest much even tho’ she seemed to be interested after our first talk. I had my own problems to deal with but lately I noticed I should turn serious mode on. I asked her for a date but then I noticed I was thrown on the “text buddy zone”. I searched around web, came to this site and some others ’till I finnaly got the knowledge necessary to get out of the buddy zone. After I stopped sending her any texts, made a kick-ass re-entrance in her cellphone with very good messages, jokes and rapport and called her out again, she said yes.

    Ok, so untill now it seems like I got in and I don’t seem to need that much help. Here comes the problem:
    I’m a bad student. I’m not terrible but I used to be better. And as any bad student I didn’t know there were bimestral tests coming… (in my school that’s serious business). Basically, our I-suppose-it’s-a-date was going to happen later, much latter. I didn’t fight against, cause that would make me look needy. I just told her to tell me when she would be free so that I could be sure I would be there (I’m not really that busy). Everything seemed fine enough… Until today. I saw some posts about me having to keep the shit going till day 2, and for me that was ok. It has been only 2 days that we marked the date, I sent her a message just now and everything went fine… Then she talked about the date.
    No, she did not cancel it. She really wants to go see the movie.
    But she said she wanted to bring more people.
    I was really lost there, but I knew I couldn’t show to be needy, so I said something like “Oh that sounds fine, just remember to always tell me who you are gonna call to go with us before. The more the better, right?”

    Yeaaah… Did I do it right? I simply have to know. What was my mistake? It won’t be a great loss if one girl don’t feel that atracted to me… But I still don’t wanna lose. I love this kind of game. I want to win.

    [obs: I’m not from US, UK, Canada or Australia. I’m sorry if you couldn’t understand my english in any point. ]

  2. Hiya haley,
    I met this girl today, we exchanged numbers, I texted her this 20 mins laster “this is a VIP number, you must store with care!”. And she later replied “haha yeah! will do :D”, I then after a few hours texted this “Yup, just finished an intense game of rugby, my team lost obviously…Twas random bumping into you on a monday morning, you were definitley the second most interesting person I spoke to today… VJ from picadilly”
    Was it a bad context to send that? Was it too soon? I dnnno!

  3. I met a girl, K closed, got her home safely. So I texted her a couple of days later with a "i just saw something that reminded me of you!" and No reply :(. How long should I wait. should I call?

    • I would have actually text her the next day. 'This reminded me of you' texts are great for re-establishing contact if you've been out of touch, but I'd advise using them as 'ping' messages after you haven't heard from her in a while. Interactions are so much about momentum so as long as you keep the text ratio 1:1 then it's sometimes good not to wait a few days before you get in touch; play it too cool and she may lose interest. If I was you I'd give her a few more days then give her a ring. If she doesn't pick up don't leave a voicemail but you could leave a text instead (these are harder to ignore than phone calls). If you still get nothing don't give up completely, just give her a whole lot of vacuum, then try to re-engage her a week or two later with a ping text. good luck x

  4. Godfather10 says

    O dear! reading your post i have screwed up. i gave this girl my number who worked in a pub which was my bday so feel she was pressured to take. screwed up by being demanding too soon trying for a date! school boy error i know. hadnt a reply for two days but tried a one off text by taking in what you have said and adding what ive been doing and adding myself at the end as "bday boy godfather"
    if i hear back happy days if not then i know where the mistake was made. question is i can still go in the pub even rejected right or no reply? im not fussed, plenty more girls in there haha

    • Definitely its ok to go back, her lack of a response is only a big deal/ negative if you decide it is. Be cool about it, nonchalant, and whilst you don't want to make a bee line for her be non reactive and cool around the girl. Also when you're in the pub play a meta game appear sociable, interesting, friendly warm with everyone else you engage and she'll probably regret not replying. Good luck :-)

  5. Hey,
    Are lesbians/bisexuals welcome to the Bootcamps?

  6. I'd say if she noticed you looking at her it's best to call it out and vocalise that. Her noticing you, noticing her, without you saying anything doesn't make you appear very confident.

    It's also totally natural if you bumped into her to drop her a little text a little later that day saying, "Hey, I think we bumped into each other outside Starbucks today. I was in a huge rush, but next time let's go grab a coffee. How's your day been anyway"

    If you're feeling cocky you could even add:

    "Hey, I think we bumped into each other outside Starbucks today. I was in a huge rush, but next time let's go grab a coffee. How's your day been anyway (apart from the obvious highlight of seeing me)"

    I'd say text soon though (within hours)- seeing someone gives great plausible deniability for getting in touch.

  7. any 'golden timing' to observe once i got opportunity to text?

    bump into my crush while traveling to another place, it was a short encounter as we are in opposite direction, din stop to talk or wave, but she sorta notice me

  8. Excellent post Hayley, very interesting indeed. Keep them coming.

  9. not convinced

  10. Great post!! nice to se another women in the PUATraining Team!!
    Looking forward for future posts!!

  11. Awesome post, will look forward to your next report. I think the female perspective made it more interesting as I have never read anything on texting from a girl's perspective.

    • Thanks for the great comments guys, I hope to see you at a PUA training event in the future… I may be even holding my own over Christmas so i'd love to see you both in the front row. HQ

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