The route cause of your approach anxiety.
Approach anxiety is a killer.
In fact more PUA’s are killed each year as a result of this terrible disease than any other… OK I’m joking, but it does suck and is a very serious crippling issue.
It’s the single biggest problem every guy has and can be the defining factor that will pretty much destroy your chances of getting good with women, if you don’t put a stop to it that is.
What is approach anxiety exactly?
Approach anxiety is a fear of approaching women you are attracted too. It stops you talking to women by filling your mind with excuses, extreme levels of fear and pointless chatter.
Now before I get into the specifics of how you can work on getting rid of it, I first want to stress a few things that guys have a hard time believing for some reason.
- You will NEVER completely get rid of approach anxiety. Even the best PUA’s or seducers in the world still have this annoying evolutionary fear.
- There is no shortcut, special trick or quick fix that will get rid of this fear, only hard graft and a rock solid mindset (inner game).
- Approach anxiety is derived from your insecurities, false beliefs and assumptions… it’s not “real” but merely a psychological mechanism designed to stop you from hurting yourself in the big wide world.
Right then, now we’ve cleared that up let’s move onto the good stuff.
Here are some simple but very effective things you must do if you ever want to get over approach anxiety.
Throw away sets
A term coined in the PUA community, throw away sets are women on their own or in groups that are used purely to get in “state” or in the groove and boost your confidence instantly.
The next time you go out approach girls you aren’t interested in sexually and just use them for banter, try and keep a conversation flowing and then drop them once you feel comfortable.
You can do this with women on the street, shop assistants, waitresses… any girl really.
Approach at least 5 new girls until you feel as though any anxiety that was there is now gone, you should feel happy and energised.
Daily momentum
Unfortunately you can’t approach just the one girl and BAM your approach anxiety is gone, it just doesn’t work like that dude.
This means that every day is a new day for approaching chicks and keeping the fear of approaching under control. The longer you leave it between the last approach, the harder it will be on the next approach.
A good thing to do also is, keep track of your progress and see how many girls you can actually approach in 1 week, 30 days or even a full year.
Think about it for a second, if you approached 2 girls every day for 1 month do you think that your fears of approaching would be very low? Absolutely.
Bet your wingman
Your wingman is your partner in crime and he will get you out of tricky situations, but another way to use your wingman is to strike a bet with him and risk some of your hard earned money.
Bet him that if you don’t approach a certain number of girls within the next hour you will have to pay him $100.
The trick is you have to get the money out and give it to him on the spot, otherwise it won’t mean anything if you just say it.
If you don’t care about money, give them something you value, which holds emotion behind it… that way you will DEFINITELY follow through.
IMPORTANT: Oh by the way, try and find a wingman who is doing something that you want to do already. In this case it’s actually approaching women. If they have done it, then they can help you do the same.
Work on your confidence
Building your confidence naturally on a daily basis requires dedication, but there are several ways in which you can do it.
The one thing you have to remember though is, confidence is not something you wish for or are granted, it comes from pushing your comfort zone, momentum and challenging yourself regularly.
Although you will feel a surge of confidence when you finish talking to one girl, that will slowly diminish throughout the evening, so you have to keep topping it up by speaking to new girls.
Hypnosis and affirmations
Ok, so some guys will turn their noses up at hypnosis or affirmations, because they definitely fall under the “crazy” category. However, if you are a suggestible person, meaning you are easily lead and open to direction subconsciously, hypnosis and affirmations will work amazingly well for you.
Here are some ways you can use both:
- Listen to hypnosis every night – Listen to some our Approaching Confidence recording on a nightly basis, you should begin to notice a difference within a few weeks… sometimes sooner.
- Record yourself – Take your iPhone or a recording device of some sort and record yourself for 2 minutes repeating positive messages of the person you want to be. This might sound cheesy, but it does the trick. Listen back to this every morning and repeat the track for 10 minutes.
- Write down your biggest sticking point – Your biggest sticking point is approaching the ladies, so write this message on a piece of paper “I find it easy to approach women”. Take that paper and put it in your pocket, look at it several times throughout the day so it sticks in your mind.
- Surround yourself with positive messages – Right, this will sound very fluffy, but it’s totally true. If you surround yourself with positive messages, you can eventually change the way you think. Put signs on your fridge, on the wall where you work and on the bathroom mirror so you see it every morning.
Be strict with yourself (rules)
You’ve heard of the 3 second rule which Mystery came out with right? It’s a great rule and it can work if you apply it to the right areas, however it’s better to come up with your own set of rules.
Rules create habits and habits create momentum in your life, once you’re in full swing with approaching, the rest is easy.
Here’s some cool guidelines for you to follow:
- When out on a lads night, approach 3 different sets of women to get warmed up.
- After the warm up sets, approach the hottest girl in the venue and speak to her for 5 minutes.
You get the idea.
State shifting
State shifting is a great way to instantly get yourself in the mood and more importantly get some balls! It’s a term used in NLP and refers to using an anchor (a part of your body) to connect to an emotion (great feeling you’re having at the time).
The more you do this, the easier it will be to trigger that state on demand.
So the next time you’re feeling a rush of confidence because you’ve just gotten the number of a smoking hot chick, push your thumb and forefinger together tightly and hold it for a few seconds. Repeat that technique when you feel that same rush of confidence to reinforce the belief.
Natural Remedies
One of the quickest ways to get over approach anxiety and feel confident is using CBD oils. They are quick, last 3-4 hours and are perfectly safe, so you don’t need to worry about very serious side effects.
So that is it folks! Very simple but damn good ways to help you get over that dreaded approach anxiety.
If you want to learn more advanced techniques for boosting your confidence with girls and ridding yourself of the dreaded approach anxiety, I recommend you check this guy out.
What’s the best way you’ve found to get over this fear?
You should also read:
Approach anxiety didn’t originally exist in you.
It is a term made up by the seduction community to increase Pickup ebook sales. Only after discovering the PUA community do you feel this “feeling” inside your body. This is why you don’t feel fear when you are asking people for directions when you are genuinely lost, assuming you don’t have confidence issues or social anxiety.
There is no such thing as “approaching”. As John Cooper said, “you don’t approach your mom in the kitchen.” It’s like meeting old friends, “Oh hey look! It’s Sarah, let’s go say hi to her”. BAM – Done. The opener is the LEAST significant part of the interaction…it lasts 5 seconds…why should it be such a big deal?
The opener means jack shit. Why? Cuz regardless of the response you can ALWAYS redirect to Where Are You From?….Are you a student here?
And if she doesn’t respond…boohoo…move on to a girl that is more interested…abundance my friends!
Just yank some useless nonsense out of your ass and say that to her. Who cares! If, at any time, you force yourself to “approach” a woman, or you “care” about rejection, u will fuck it up, cuz you are taking life too seriously and you do not really want to put your DICK inside of her! Again, daygame is not about having some pointless boring conversations, its about picking up some hot bitches and getting laid.
You find a central spot near where you live (preferably inner city), and you go out with the intention of bringing a girl back to your apartment to “watch a movie” or if she has to go somewhere you number close. But the aim of the game – is SEX! Any number you get is prolonging the time before you fuck her.
Ideally you take her on a nice walk through the city after you first MET her (do not use the word Approach – trust me, it fucks you up on an unconscious level) on the street. Then you seal the deal at your place.
That’s how easy it is!
I don’t approach, I meet, talk to her and get up close in her space to see if she is hot or not. Therefore I don’t give myself the excuse of “oh…i don’t know if she is hot, I can’t see.” Get yo ass over there and get up in that woman’s space. If she has pimples on her face or something…eject from the convo. As easy as Eazy-E. Pickup is fucking hilarious. See the humour in it.
Hey I have a question, how well do you think it would work if I simply walked up and asked a hot girl if they wanted a kiss. This way I don’t have to worry about keeping the conversation flowing I can just get straight to the point, then after making out get her number. How does that sound?
As much as women hate men today, this, unfortunately, is a pipe dream.
What women do you hang out with Mickey? I don’t know any women that HATE men personally, unless they are full on lesbians who are VERY pro feminism.
Well, it’s real hard for women who whine that they can’t meet a good man when it’s those same women who get their rocks off shooting guys down and destroying their confidence. Ironic, ain’t it???
Meeting women at this point in time is only an exercise in futility.
Mickey, by saying that if women diss men they hate them, you are just plain illiterate in the Game. They just filter out weak and unconfident males. They do more so when they are less dependant on males in the society or the ratio women to men is greatly in their favor. So learn game and breach their defence mechanism. Then the next thing you see is that how they hate men by sucking your cock. Lol
Illiterate or not, one doesn’t need a Ph.D. to see that meeting women is impossible; especially when you consider that a large majority of women are convinced guys bring nothing to the table in a relationship. Unfortunately, the collateral damage from so much hostility results in being demoralized. One can only take so much failure before cutting one’s losses and getting out of the so-called “game.” That is just realism, not cowardice.
Val:
Why is automatically a sign of weakness or non-confidence when guys throw in the sponge on the so-called game? Don’t you think a lot of guys had confidence once upon a time? Sadly, after getting shot down enough times by man-hating witches, the come to the realization that it’s an exercise in futility, and they can withstand only so much failure. This is what happened to me. I live with it.
I definetely agree to that relationships in our society is fundamentally based on womens needs. That is why you have got to find out what your needs are and try to implement them in your dating Life. When you know this you will learn your boundaries. Fx if woman tells you to Cook more often because she is doing this, tell her that you never cooked when you lived alone, and a warm meal every day is her preference not yours. Women take their preference for granted, and sometimes assume that they are right. Guys not being as verbal as women get convinced that she is right. Often times she is not.
Haha, if you think like that your definetly never going to meet women. Just chill out and realise that there are a lot of really hot and nice girls out there. You sound like you take rejection way to personally. When a girl rejects you, most of the time it’s because of something you can’t control, like they’re in a bad mood, or another guy was just a prick to them. If a girl is an asshole to you, take it like a man. Move on to another set and just laugh about how much of a bitch that girl is. You don’t want girls like that anyway. But anyway it seems them bad thoughts are deeply etched into your mind so you probably don’t give a shit what I say. But your on a pua website so I assume you do want to pick up girls:p
Stepp:
I respect your opinion and I thank you for it. I cannot argue with your point that I do have some deeply ingrained negative thoughts about all this. I admit it. That said, here are a few things I’ve noticed over the past 25-30 which led me to throw in the sponge on all this:
1) Most women believe men are expendable at best, and useless as usual.
2) Most women believe that men are the enemy.
3) If a guy is a so-called “alpha”, he’s written off as phony…but if he ISN’T an alpha, he’s a WUSS!!! Thus, a guy can’t win for trying.
4) In this day and age, an entire generation of men, after being groomed to treat women with kindness, respect, honesty and humor, are invariably lumped into the usual anti-male diatribe of “all men are…(insert insult here).”
5) Nothing a guy does is good enough for most women in this day and age.
6) The male-bashing, man-hating feminazis have taken over the debate and will kill anyone who dares to disagree with them.
So, it’s real hard for those women who claim to want a good man yet push men away at the same time. How’s that for irony?
For a lot of guys, myself included, when we’re hit with the “men suck” mentality on a regular basis every freakin’ day, it sure is hell hard (at least for me) to think that meeting the allegedly “fair sex” is pointless.
Take it for whatever it’s worth, but when all that is out there is the enemy camp, one does not go in.
Stepp:
I respect your opinion and I thank you for it.
You’re quite right…I do have bad thoughts etched into my mind. That is what happens when the dating farce is a zero sum game. Think of it as something similar to pro sports:
For team that wins the championship (the Baltimore Ravens for example), there is also a team that finishes dead last (the Kansas City Chiefs). For every so-called player who can get a different babe every night, there are guys like me who don’t have a prayer (and not always for lack of trying).
The losing adds up and ultimately gets to the point where one either sticks with the losing or retires from the game. Admittedly, in my case, there isn’t much point in playing a “game” I have no shot at winning.
I dnt even have a girl friend at 23 ,all because of anxiety, I wish I could set my eyes on it, I would have shot it at d brain , pls guys advise me on how to approach a lady!!! I’m dyin.
This a great post, and I’d say this is the first step for anyone considering starting in the game. It’s amazing how we can trick our minds into a system of belief. I remember many years ago, long before I had even heard of the PUA community, and probably before it even existed, taking cocaine ( I’m not recommending that anyone should go out and do this), and I had unfettered confidence, and went straight up to a girl and put my arm around her. My point is this: It’s all in the mind, and we should have the capability to be able to get into that state of mind, naturally. Having recently gotten into game earnestly, this post gives me great enthusiasm for 2013, and a feeling that something BIG is going to happen : ) Happy gaming to you all!
Rich. What about closing anxiety, for example you are in the conversation but start to get anxiety when you know it’s time to ask for the number?
I always suggest you take the pressure off that moment by doing it smoothly. You find something she likes eg Italian food, cocktails, walking in the park. Then you say “we should do that some time” and if her response is verbally or non verbally positive, you hand her your phone and say “cool put your number in and I’ll text you”. Then you don’t need to worry…
Sweet, some great advice! Thanks for the advice man!
I bought one of your books aswell! I’m having 2-3 girls a week, obviously not as much as you
But it’s good for me lol!!!
Great suggestions I love all the great content you give out keep it up. I use affirmations allot and they seem to work for me. I don’t think they can totally eliminate the fear like you said but can make it manageable so you take action. I love this quote by Dan Millman “fear is a wonderful servant but a terrible master courage is not the absence of fear, but the conquering of it”
Ive personally found the Ironic thing is the more numbers or dates you have the easier approaching new women becomes, simply because your brain recognises that you have nothing to lose – sure, she might shoot you down, but you’re already busy with other women already, so big deal.
It also removes any psychological neediness from your head and allows you to talk like a human being even If she is really hot.
I can also really say Rich is spot on with also pushing your comfort zone to improve confidence, it helps scaring yourself. What worked for me – If you have a top board at your local pool / skydiving it’s ideal, because you have to make a conscious decision from an area of safety to approach the edge and go for it.
Every time you get excited about an approach(I always try to refer to it as excitement rather than anxiety) you remember when you were last bricking it off the top board and it helps,
Love the article and its very true! You can never quite get rid of approach anxiety but through this I think you can easily learn new stuff to make it a minor rather than major factor in your game
Just drink tons of alcohol. Problem solved
Yeah, cause hot girls really dig a guy who’s out of his face don’t they…
In my (somewhat limited) experience you get a lot of credit from the classier ladies just for having the nerve to walk up and talk to them without having to rely on performance enhancers…or should I say inhibitors….
that’s a bandaid solution.
Nope i don’t think so. U should find yourself courage, without alcohol. Be sure to be Alcohol-free Otherwise your mid will set up something like “oh i m great tonite, alcohol is the best to accomplish my goal”. Best wishes
jump
Alcohol helps but you make other mistakes as a result. And during the day time you want to approach in a casual manner you are always sober. What I learnt myself is that even though I become better and better approaching at night under alcohol that does not diminish approach enxiety whether I’m sober. So training to get in the state when sober is much more difficult but life changing and more important in the long run.
I once had a FWB who said she was offended every time a drunk guy hit on her. Why? She was under the impression that those guys only found her attractive after they’ve had a few drinks.
Those guys wouldn’t approach her while they were sober, so why should she feel good about being approached when they’ve got beer goggles on?
The best way I have found to beat this fear is just plain practice. I approach a set of three then it is easier to approach a single women. Really no secret….
Exactly, if you just approach one girl every day for 30 days and then step it up to 2 girls a day for another 30 days, you’ll be almost fearless. Just as long as you keep that momentum up.
great post rich, great post. i’ll have to come back to this and start practicing some affirmations. i can talk to hot girls wtihout fear. i can do it. i can get hot girls to talk to me. i can do it i can do it. and eventually i’ll believe it. this is the best post i’ve read in a long time. no wonder ur such a genius at this. world class.
Which means that day game is crucial.
Firstly, a shy guy will never be able to approach 1 girl a day, and even if he did, there is no way he would be confident after 30 days.In fact there would be almost no change in his level of anxiety.It takes at least a thousand approaches to really see a meaningfull change….
Great Post. Nothing beats an action. If we are not willing to commit ourselves we are not going anywhere. And it is true that you never get rid of approach anxiety it will reduce but you never get rid of it.
It’s actually annoying when guys think they can get rid of approach anxiety over night, it’s just not possible. Unless a new scientific breakthrough unfolds that allows you to pop a pill to get rid of fear, then you’re going to have to deal with things the hard way.
Having said that, the good news is, it gets easier to deal with each time you face your fears when approaching.
yeah but there are things such as an anxiety pills :D
never took them but had buddy who did and said they worked wonders.
its called weed